gasbag
Washington State
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Joined: 02/13/2004
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A cheeseburger walks into a bar and asks for a beer.
The bartender says, "I am sorry but we don't serve food in here."
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
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Steveo35
Ohio
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Joined: 06/16/2009
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Good Sam RV Club
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I like that one gasbag!
OK, my next one.
A group of friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him.
So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to 'persuade' them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop.
Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.
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downtheroad
Puget Sound
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Joined: 02/18/2003
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The toilet paper walked into the employment center two-ply for a job.
"If we couldn't laugh we would all go insane"
GMC Duramax/Allison (LBZ)
Komfort 277TS Our Rig Picture
Reese Dual Cam HP
Lots of other stuff nobody cares about
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Steveo35
Ohio
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Joined: 06/16/2009
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Oh, man, this is SO BAD, it's good!
Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.
This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis. 
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Vulcaneer
Northern New England
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Joined: 10/17/2007
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Why don't you name a dog with no legs? Cause he can't come when you call him.
Where do you find a dog with no legs? Right where you left him.
2006 F350 V10 4X4 SC SB SRW 4.30 22,500 GCWR
Keystone Sprinter 33'9" 12,500 GVWR
Pullrite Super Glide 18K
Super Duty, Super Cab, SuperGlide
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Vulcaneer
Northern New England
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Joined: 10/17/2007
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How to make Holy water. Take regular water and boil the hell out of it.
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PotKorn
St. Louis, MO
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Joined: 02/01/2001
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An aspiring writer sent a list of his ten best word-play jokes to the editor of a humor magazine. He hoped that at least one might get published. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
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2milesup
Leadville, CO
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Joined: 04/11/2007
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A priest, a nun and a rabbi walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and says, "What is this, some kind of joke?"
Jerry, Lori and Parker the Chocolate Lab
2000 Chevy 2500 7.4L 4X4
2007 Dutchmen Lite 18B
Reese Pro Series SC, Prodigy, Honda EU2000i
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Barb H
Inland Empire, So. California
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Joined: 10/20/2009
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A surgeon was finishing up an operation and was about to close. Suddenly, the patient opened his eyes, sat up, and demanded to know what was going on.
"I'm just about to close," the surgeon said.
The patient grabbed the surgeon's hand and said, "I'm not going to let you do that! I'll close the incision!"
The doctor handed him the thread and said, "Suture self."
* This post was
edited 10/23/09 10:34am by Barb H *
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Barb H
Inland Empire, So. California
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Joined: 10/20/2009
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Two Eskimos in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank; proving once-and-for-all that you can't have your kayak & heat it, too.
Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and one never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.
A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
A neutron goes into a bar and asks the bartender, "How much for a beer?" The bartender replies, "For you, no charge."
Two atoms are walking down the street and they run in to each other. One says to the other, "Are you all right?" "No, I lost an electron!" "Are you sure?" "Yeah, I'm positive!"
A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut daiquiri on his way home. The bartender knew of his habit, and would always have the drink waiting at precisely 5:03 p.m. One afternoon, as the end of the work day approached, the bartender was dismayed to find that he was out of hazelnut extract. Thinking quickly, he threw together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the bar. The doctor came in at his regular time, took one sip of the drink and exclaimed, "This isn't a hazelnut daiquiri!" "No, I'm sorry," replied the bartender, "It's a hickory daiquiri, Doc."
* This post was
edited 10/23/09 10:34am by Barb H *
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